How To Be A Corporate Shill

Rise and grind, sigma males and/or girlbosses: have I got an opportunity for you! Would you like to score some gig work for a major multinational corporation in your spare time? This side hustle has limitless earning potential, which will all be paid in exposure. Any actual money you generate will go straight to your digital landlord, but that’s OK; he earned it.

This is a very easy gig and you are probably doing it already. Would you like to learn more?

The advertising game has changed. Ten years ago it was easy: we just paid some supermodel to erotically eat a hamburger on top of a HMMWV. Now, though, you’ve gotta go viral. Do you know how hard that is? Half of us are sociopaths and the other half have never talked to another human being in their lives. We’re railing Adderall off the conference tables and trying to understand why the kids keep insisting they have no caps when the cap market is in free fall.

We’ve figured out one thing, though, which is that you little freaks will fight about woke shit on Twitter until your fingers fall off. You’ll do it at work, you’ll do it at home, you’ll get into the kind of vicious fights reserved in previous ages for disputes over Alsace–Lorraine.

And that’s why we have decided to embrace body positivity. Make a commercial with that guy you don’t like. Or create a brand new female mascot so she can be in a lesbian (but family friendly!) relationship with one of our other female mascots. They’ve cut their nails short; it’s serious.

We are going to make a 2-minute ad about toxic masculinity that will air exclusively on YouTube, we might even monetize our ad, we will make you watch an ad to watch our ad. And you’ll do it, you rabid little weirdos, you’ll crawl over broken glass to find something that offends you.

By “you” in that last sentence I of course mean conservatives, though our five-year projection shows that triggering libs will eventually be profitable as well. You conservatives will get mad at anything. Like shooting catfish in a barrel.

This side hustle isn’t for conservatives, though — we don’t need very many of them, just a couple online-poisoned nut cases to do something like burn their shoes or vow to stop shaving or whatever. We have Tucker Carlson on retainer so he can strategically rant about whatever product in our portfolio needs a bit of gas.

No, this opportunity is for the libs, the progressives, and/or the leftists.

Here’s the thing: those videos are, unironically, very funny. Better than anything we could come up with, to be honest. All we need you bleeding hearts to do is what comes naturally. Go make fun of conservatives for being whiny little babies about whatever it is we’re selling.

Oh, and be sure you mention our mascot when you do it. Preferably several times. Drop our brand name in there. Let’s get this baby trending!

I won’t lie to you: the competition is steep. Everybody wants to get in on this business opportunity. But if you work hard and hone your skills, you could get hundreds, thousands, even a million likes. Maybe ratio some guy. Gain thousands of followers. Doesn’t that sound fun?

We at AdCorp are excited to partner with you. Let’s do great things together!

(And hey, now that you’ve committed to the hustle, why not celebrate a little bit? Crack open a crisp, cold soda. Eat some candy — you know the ones. After all, everyone deserves a little #SelfCare)