I fall into a different category. For various reasons, I have not been a physical presence among those who march and protest, but I have quietly followed many people on social media, yourself included. Thus, I'm not a part of the experience, but an observer. As such, I was puzzled when I realized that people were attacking you; I did not understand what was happening. But I trusted that you were still the honest, excellent observer of human behavior, who does interesting analysis and raises thought-provoking questions. I can't say that I agree with you one hundred percent about everything, but I always appreciate reading what you have written. When I disagree, you challenge me to re-examine myself. And when I agree (which is most of the time), you help me better articulate and understand what I think and feel.
My opinion of you has never changed. Perhaps it's the distance that has given me perspective, as opposed to those who were your close associates and (so-called) friends. I felt very badly for you as this was transpiring. I was glad when I knew you were moving forward, continuing to be you. In other words, you have always had at least one quiet supporter. It's not much, when you are dealing with the situation; but maybe it can help when you are remembering the loud, abusive voices: there is at least one person in the world who has a different perspective!
One of the things I often say to myself when someone is over-reacting to something: the issue isn't the issue. People aren't really upset by whatever it is that I supposedly did. It's just that I'm a convenient target. It's easier to attack me than to deal with the REAL issue. Some have even had the delusion that if they can just get rid of me, things will be perfect. Of course, when I do move on, amazingly enough the real issues remain and the cranky people are still cranky.
I'm always relieved when people say they don't agree with me on everything, if we're being honest: it means people are thinking for themselves.
And thank you for the support--it was such an ugly time, and I recognize your name from the Patreon days as someone who stuck around long after I'd been driven away. I should add an addendum about how many people will continue to offer quiet support
When you said how happy you were in NYC it legit made me relieved. What you went through sucked and was eye opening for a community I thought might actually do some good.
And now on the tail end of all that shit you are still doing things that matter and they aren't. You managed to grow and they became more irrelevant. Fuck them.
I have so much I want to say about this but I'm at work and don't have time.
However, if you fall into this horrible situation, listen to and pay attention to the Sandy Hook victims' families. They are the OG "cancelled" victims and they have gone through a decade of this kind of abusive shit and have had to find a way to endure.
The people who do this over tiny, petty disagreements, grifts, or just pure gatekeeping, are sadistic fucks who deep down arguably don't share the values you thought you shared with them. Given the choice between making things better and torturing people, they decided to torture people from the safety of mob anonymity.
I have a little bit of time now. The closest I can get to understanding this kind of "cancelling" is the severe amount of bullying that I went through in grade and early middle school. But I could leave school and leave it mostly behind. You can't do that here. Social media and online reaches out wherever you are, and doxxing is a popular passtime for these liquid sacks of shit. And that makes it even worse. But if you were bullied in school and need to relate to someone going through this unjustly, imagine that bullying multiplied by hundreds or thousands of people and omnipresent in your life, following you, seeking out where you live, where you work, the people you're close to, in order to systematically destroy every connection you have in your life. I suspect that's around the beginning of an understanding.
But Laura is spot on. Any acknowledgement of the people doing this is blood in the water to them and encouragement to do more and go further. And as the crowd grows into a mob, the mob itself will attract people, offering anonymity and a little bit of the thrill of being able to be a horrible person to a stranger and suffer no consequences because you're anonymous.
I remember in the late 2000's and early 2010s the stories of children killing themselves from school bullies tracking them from school to school, or town to town, finding bullies in those places, and engaging them in unrelenting bullying. Part of me wonders how much coincidence it is that all those people that engaged in that relentless bullying were grown ups right around when the cancelling thing turned shitty and... well... into bullying. Part of me wonders if that's what those children grew up into.
Because I don't think this is about policing communities. I used to think it was insecure people lashing out at anything they sensed was a challenge or risk to their assumed group identities, but after seeing people grift and try to blackmail and do this, seeing people go out of their way to threaten to murder and eat someone's pet just to be cruel, I don't think this is about whatever community they were springing out of- that's just their camoflage. It takes something else to keep up a sustained furious rage over someone you've never met before and have no real connection to. The one person I kept that rage up for murdered my friend when I was young and got away with it for decades. I can't imagine doing that against someone who told an off color joke or doesn't fit exactly into your preferred social construction. And from what I've seen, people like that gather groups around them and are good at manipulating them to begin with.
Laura is dead to rights about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt being "I've done something bad", which you can apologize for, and which you can make amends for with real regret, vs shame which can be defined as the thought "I *am* bad". These cycles are never "you're a decent person but you fucked up" it's always "You're a fucking demon in human flesh and you deserve to have your life ripped to shreds in front of you forever". You can't appease someone like that. They want your blood and misery. There is no room for making amends or making things better. You need to be removed from society, and if you're removed from life they won't shed a tear.
And to concentrate shame into a weaponized potency against someone who already is questioning their self worth is absolutely hideous. It's abuse. Pure and simple.
Somewhere along the line the border between "take away a shitty person's platform/megaphone by not engaging with them" bled into "destroy the life of someone who makes you angry". If we ever catch ourselves in one of those pitchfork mobs we need to really ask ourselves who is driving the mob on and what is in it for them and look at them. It's easy to get sucked in, but a little bit of objectivity can also provide you a way out of the mob.
I think I started following you right after the cancellation., or I was just too clueless to notice in real time. You’ve definitely wound up in a better place.
Having watched this happen to you Lady and a lot of others I must agree with the DO NOT APOLOGIZE! The dogs in the pile and the people with clout on social media don't care. They are looking for victims like a just awoken vampire.
I’m still so angry that happened to you. People who are quiet and not sticking their neck out for important causes don’t get cancelled. It’s not fair that you did. I remember being so incredibly angry for you when I heard. My instinct to protect a squad-mate wanted to surface! I guess no ideology is immune from horrible people. Thank you so much for sharing this!
whew. well! first: very sorry this happened to you, but damn if you didn't learn and remember the right lessons. this post will help a lot of people, and that's something. thanks for risking your safety in this stirring of the pot.
Sue said most of what I had to say. I've been glad to watch you take a moment that easily could have ended your interest in journalism and instead let it push you to new heights.
I will throw in that I'm with Nietzsche on option 3: it can be tempting to reach for religion because it's a powerful drug, but I maintain it is the one that has done the most harm to humanity by far. That said, I know booze is bad for me, but sometimes I have a bad day and reach for the bottle.
Also, "antifascists should have been on the ground for J6"? I didn't have a mirror handy, but I'm pretty sure I was wearing that "Tucker Carlson confused face" upon hearing that one. Just an impossibly silly and unserious statement. Antifa's biggest weakness seems to be understanding the value of optics. It's absolutely necessary to oppose the fascists in the streets, but it's equally important to know when to stay home. J6 was a perfect moment to let Trump's followers prove to the world exactly who they are and the continuing fallout from it illustrates every day how right that choice was.
Others are saying what I immediately wanted to write: I followed you all during that hellish summer of 2020 and benefited from your tweets, your humor, and your treatment of those right-wingers w/ more compassion than I expected. Keep up the good work, know that you are appreciated whether you ever go under cover again, write another word, or not.
Yo Deed! I could give a steaming shit how you or anyone else (including me) defines you. I'll stay with simply loving to read what the dauntless, brash, creative, skilfull, vulnerable, sensitive, lovable, beautiful, troubled, crazy girl behind the words has to release into my climate. Keep on trucking, baby! Consolation is a crutch. Love and appreciation are nutritious. Be well.
You are a very wise woman “because you weren’t supposed to be part of that community, because it was holding you back, because you learned all you could from being part of it. Then, you keep an eye out for whatever better thing God wanted for you”, and you figured it out. Few are capable of this.
That so called community is not up to your level of emotional maturity or intellect. Their jealousy of your abilities and gifts is their problem, not yours. Their behavior is abusive. Letting them go is the best gift to give yourself.
I fall into a different category. For various reasons, I have not been a physical presence among those who march and protest, but I have quietly followed many people on social media, yourself included. Thus, I'm not a part of the experience, but an observer. As such, I was puzzled when I realized that people were attacking you; I did not understand what was happening. But I trusted that you were still the honest, excellent observer of human behavior, who does interesting analysis and raises thought-provoking questions. I can't say that I agree with you one hundred percent about everything, but I always appreciate reading what you have written. When I disagree, you challenge me to re-examine myself. And when I agree (which is most of the time), you help me better articulate and understand what I think and feel.
My opinion of you has never changed. Perhaps it's the distance that has given me perspective, as opposed to those who were your close associates and (so-called) friends. I felt very badly for you as this was transpiring. I was glad when I knew you were moving forward, continuing to be you. In other words, you have always had at least one quiet supporter. It's not much, when you are dealing with the situation; but maybe it can help when you are remembering the loud, abusive voices: there is at least one person in the world who has a different perspective!
One of the things I often say to myself when someone is over-reacting to something: the issue isn't the issue. People aren't really upset by whatever it is that I supposedly did. It's just that I'm a convenient target. It's easier to attack me than to deal with the REAL issue. Some have even had the delusion that if they can just get rid of me, things will be perfect. Of course, when I do move on, amazingly enough the real issues remain and the cranky people are still cranky.
Keep being you!
I'm always relieved when people say they don't agree with me on everything, if we're being honest: it means people are thinking for themselves.
And thank you for the support--it was such an ugly time, and I recognize your name from the Patreon days as someone who stuck around long after I'd been driven away. I should add an addendum about how many people will continue to offer quiet support
When you said how happy you were in NYC it legit made me relieved. What you went through sucked and was eye opening for a community I thought might actually do some good.
And now on the tail end of all that shit you are still doing things that matter and they aren't. You managed to grow and they became more irrelevant. Fuck them.
This person said everything I wanted to say, only they said it better.
You’ve always had fans, even if they were the quiet ones.
I have so much I want to say about this but I'm at work and don't have time.
However, if you fall into this horrible situation, listen to and pay attention to the Sandy Hook victims' families. They are the OG "cancelled" victims and they have gone through a decade of this kind of abusive shit and have had to find a way to endure.
The people who do this over tiny, petty disagreements, grifts, or just pure gatekeeping, are sadistic fucks who deep down arguably don't share the values you thought you shared with them. Given the choice between making things better and torturing people, they decided to torture people from the safety of mob anonymity.
I have a little bit of time now. The closest I can get to understanding this kind of "cancelling" is the severe amount of bullying that I went through in grade and early middle school. But I could leave school and leave it mostly behind. You can't do that here. Social media and online reaches out wherever you are, and doxxing is a popular passtime for these liquid sacks of shit. And that makes it even worse. But if you were bullied in school and need to relate to someone going through this unjustly, imagine that bullying multiplied by hundreds or thousands of people and omnipresent in your life, following you, seeking out where you live, where you work, the people you're close to, in order to systematically destroy every connection you have in your life. I suspect that's around the beginning of an understanding.
But Laura is spot on. Any acknowledgement of the people doing this is blood in the water to them and encouragement to do more and go further. And as the crowd grows into a mob, the mob itself will attract people, offering anonymity and a little bit of the thrill of being able to be a horrible person to a stranger and suffer no consequences because you're anonymous.
I remember in the late 2000's and early 2010s the stories of children killing themselves from school bullies tracking them from school to school, or town to town, finding bullies in those places, and engaging them in unrelenting bullying. Part of me wonders how much coincidence it is that all those people that engaged in that relentless bullying were grown ups right around when the cancelling thing turned shitty and... well... into bullying. Part of me wonders if that's what those children grew up into.
Because I don't think this is about policing communities. I used to think it was insecure people lashing out at anything they sensed was a challenge or risk to their assumed group identities, but after seeing people grift and try to blackmail and do this, seeing people go out of their way to threaten to murder and eat someone's pet just to be cruel, I don't think this is about whatever community they were springing out of- that's just their camoflage. It takes something else to keep up a sustained furious rage over someone you've never met before and have no real connection to. The one person I kept that rage up for murdered my friend when I was young and got away with it for decades. I can't imagine doing that against someone who told an off color joke or doesn't fit exactly into your preferred social construction. And from what I've seen, people like that gather groups around them and are good at manipulating them to begin with.
Laura is dead to rights about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt being "I've done something bad", which you can apologize for, and which you can make amends for with real regret, vs shame which can be defined as the thought "I *am* bad". These cycles are never "you're a decent person but you fucked up" it's always "You're a fucking demon in human flesh and you deserve to have your life ripped to shreds in front of you forever". You can't appease someone like that. They want your blood and misery. There is no room for making amends or making things better. You need to be removed from society, and if you're removed from life they won't shed a tear.
And to concentrate shame into a weaponized potency against someone who already is questioning their self worth is absolutely hideous. It's abuse. Pure and simple.
Somewhere along the line the border between "take away a shitty person's platform/megaphone by not engaging with them" bled into "destroy the life of someone who makes you angry". If we ever catch ourselves in one of those pitchfork mobs we need to really ask ourselves who is driving the mob on and what is in it for them and look at them. It's easy to get sucked in, but a little bit of objectivity can also provide you a way out of the mob.
I think I started following you right after the cancellation., or I was just too clueless to notice in real time. You’ve definitely wound up in a better place.
I am so deeply thankful for the way things turned out
Having watched this happen to you Lady and a lot of others I must agree with the DO NOT APOLOGIZE! The dogs in the pile and the people with clout on social media don't care. They are looking for victims like a just awoken vampire.
I’m still so angry that happened to you. People who are quiet and not sticking their neck out for important causes don’t get cancelled. It’s not fair that you did. I remember being so incredibly angry for you when I heard. My instinct to protect a squad-mate wanted to surface! I guess no ideology is immune from horrible people. Thank you so much for sharing this!
whew. well! first: very sorry this happened to you, but damn if you didn't learn and remember the right lessons. this post will help a lot of people, and that's something. thanks for risking your safety in this stirring of the pot.
Sue said most of what I had to say. I've been glad to watch you take a moment that easily could have ended your interest in journalism and instead let it push you to new heights.
I will throw in that I'm with Nietzsche on option 3: it can be tempting to reach for religion because it's a powerful drug, but I maintain it is the one that has done the most harm to humanity by far. That said, I know booze is bad for me, but sometimes I have a bad day and reach for the bottle.
Also, "antifascists should have been on the ground for J6"? I didn't have a mirror handy, but I'm pretty sure I was wearing that "Tucker Carlson confused face" upon hearing that one. Just an impossibly silly and unserious statement. Antifa's biggest weakness seems to be understanding the value of optics. It's absolutely necessary to oppose the fascists in the streets, but it's equally important to know when to stay home. J6 was a perfect moment to let Trump's followers prove to the world exactly who they are and the continuing fallout from it illustrates every day how right that choice was.
This is a muchh better strategy than the DARVO approach of one vox day.
Others are saying what I immediately wanted to write: I followed you all during that hellish summer of 2020 and benefited from your tweets, your humor, and your treatment of those right-wingers w/ more compassion than I expected. Keep up the good work, know that you are appreciated whether you ever go under cover again, write another word, or not.
Yo Deed! I could give a steaming shit how you or anyone else (including me) defines you. I'll stay with simply loving to read what the dauntless, brash, creative, skilfull, vulnerable, sensitive, lovable, beautiful, troubled, crazy girl behind the words has to release into my climate. Keep on trucking, baby! Consolation is a crutch. Love and appreciation are nutritious. Be well.
Useful suggestions for many. Thank you.
You are a very wise woman “because you weren’t supposed to be part of that community, because it was holding you back, because you learned all you could from being part of it. Then, you keep an eye out for whatever better thing God wanted for you”, and you figured it out. Few are capable of this.
That so called community is not up to your level of emotional maturity or intellect. Their jealousy of your abilities and gifts is their problem, not yours. Their behavior is abusive. Letting them go is the best gift to give yourself.
I wish you the best.